In pursuit of life

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I think a lot, I think too much. My brain just goes on and on and on ….. Normally at the most inconsiderate moments, like bedtime.
The main thing on my mind right now is the state of my life. Yes, I do realise that there are billions of people worse off than me. That’s just another thing to me keep me awake at night….and it does.
I feel like I’m on the cusp of living again but it is just a few inches too far for me to touch without falling. It’s unbelievably frustrating to know that things have the potential to be great and yet there’s more hurdles for jumping. All I can do is sit back and see what happens.
You may have gathered that I’m quite an impatient person! This is magnified by the feeling of having lost so many years of my life to misery and suffering. I want to experience the world now, I want to get out and do stuff now. Lack of money and other issues restrict that so I’m left with this rather empty sensation that I feel deep to my soul. It causes me physical pain in my chest. How do you explain that to someone? How do you convey that without sounding needy and desperate?
I want more than I have, not in a material sense, but in a quality of life sense. I’m so scared of life passing me by. Maybe lots of people feel like this, even those you look up to and think they have it all sorted….hmmmmmm
For now I will have to cope with the ache in my chest and remind myself that something wonderful might be over the next hurdle (and if it isn’t, my life still has meaning).

Love, tea and hugs
Exxx

I’m off for a cry 🙂

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The dating game …… :/

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Where to start with this one? It’s like opening up a massive vat of toxic, nuclear waste.
I can only speak from my experiences here. There are plenty of positive and uplifting stories of relationships out there (I think, but don’t quote me on that).
However you meet some one: pub, work, online, twitter …. It all ends up the same. Do you like them? Do they like you? Can you deal with each other’s baggage? Etc answer yes to all three and you’re on to a winner.
Unrequited love is a bugger so if they don’t like you, then rip them from your heart and never speak to them again. Believe me, you’ll thank me for this at a later date (once you’ve stopped bleeding and sobbing). If they like you but you are all ‘meh’ – end it now!!! There’s someone wonderful for them out there and giving them false hope of a relationship with you is not on *stern face*. Be gentle with them though.
The baggage issue is more complicated. When you first meet someone, you are both perfect and wonderful and amazing and don’t ever get irritated or annoyed or use the toilet …. *cough* Baggage issues are best dealt with when they ooze out slowly rather than being allowed to explode on the scene taking everyone, within a 5 mile radius ,out.
Being a single parent, I find it difficult to meet anyone let alone anyone to fall in love with and live with. Let’s just say, for arguments sake, I have met someone and let’s just say I’m feeling a bit down about it today… So, hypothetically speaking, I have met someone who has ever so slightly intoxicated me and turned me into a bundle of hormones and emotions. It’s not good although I do feel better for writing about it (hypothetically).
This imaginary person finds my children to be hard work and after a glorious few days together, has gone back to work and not been in touch since ….. Which causes me to sulk and worry and all that sort of negative stuff that doesn’t do anyone any favours whatsoever. Even my cat is pissed off with me.
Along with the dating game, comes the waiting game and the uncertainty game. My mother always says that I will know when the person is right for me because there will be no games, it will be easy. My abusive ex husband was the easier person I have dated in my life, her theory is WRONG!! Sorry mum. Saying that, if you genuinely care for someone then you are going to do your best to be with them and not muck them about…right? Right?
I’m 35, I honestly was not expecting to be still doing the dating thing at this age. I had dreams of the perfect family life, that hasn’t worked out for me and dating in general hasn’t worked out for me. Maybe I’m just one of life’s loners? The path I need to walk down only fits my shoes …. I hoped that someone might be able to carry me for a while but it looks like the life of a solitary woman has been chosen for me.

Love, tea and hugs
Exxx

Milking the tooth extraction

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Lying on the sofa in pain. Please send flowers, tea, cake (in liquid form) and foot rubs.

Many years ago I had two wisdom teeth taken out, they decided to leave the other two behind. They shouldn’t have …. Whilst my top tooth has behaved, my bottom tooth has been nothing but a pain in the jaw. Today I had the last laugh as it was cut out of my mouth (well, I will when the pain goes).
You’ll be pleased to know that despite being at high risk of permanent nerve damage, my nerve lives to fight another day. Thank you Zaki the dental surgeon. I also have to thank him for performing the most pain free insertion of a cannula EVER!! And I have veins that dormouse would be ashamed of.
Not quite off my face on prescription medication as I was hoping and the sedation was a bit lack lustre although thinking about it now, I can’t really remember it …. I do recall the surgeon showing me my tooth before it was binned for incineration. Nice to know a small part of me will be cremated later.
Anyway, the staff at the treatment centre were fabulous. I felt a bit like royalty rather than just another number passing through the doors. Maybe I’m just a naturally charming woman?! 😉 more likely they are just very good at their jobs.
My ‘friend’ did a detour just to give me a hug before dashing off to work. This means that ‘friend’ has now met my mother – she was a bit frosty and he was reduced to a nervous stupor – I think it went well, considering.
I’m due another codeine in an hour or so. Long live opiates …

Love, tea and hugs but avoid the kissing please
Exxx

A little ramble about nothing and everything

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So (can you start a sentence with the word so?) …. So, I’m sat here with a cup of tea, trying to stay conscious. Eldest is upstairs ‘revising’ for his astronomy GCSE by playing Minecraft and the other two are meant to be tidying their room after it got trashed over the weekend.
My life has been somewhat turned upside down recently after a trip to Costa with a guy I was meant to be climbing with …. We haven’t managed to go climbing yet…. I told him I had built walls, he told me he was good at digging tunnels. The rest is history or something a long those lines.
This is had made me all a bit wobbly and I think my brain may have gone AWOL. Basically, I’m insufferably ditzy right now.
It’s got me thinking though, thinking about life and the universe and stuff. Why do things happen? Why do people wander in and out of your life? What’s it all for? Is there any destiny involved or is it just a random set of circumstances? Hell, I have no idea. Everything just seems a little different now, I could explain it but then I would have to subject to mindless amounts of drivel. I like you too much to do that.
Damn, none of the above context is now relevant as time has moved on. I’m not sat on the floor with tea, I’m now waiting for the girls to not eat their dinner…. And I have to mentally prepare myself for my wisdom tooth extraction tomorrow :/ that’ll be fun. High chance of permanent nerve damage – nice!
I have no idea what I am talking about. If I blog tomorrow then I am not personally responsible for anything I write as I will be recovering from sedation.

Love, tea and hugs
Exxx