In pursuit of life

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I think a lot, I think too much. My brain just goes on and on and on ….. Normally at the most inconsiderate moments, like bedtime.
The main thing on my mind right now is the state of my life. Yes, I do realise that there are billions of people worse off than me. That’s just another thing to me keep me awake at night….and it does.
I feel like I’m on the cusp of living again but it is just a few inches too far for me to touch without falling. It’s unbelievably frustrating to know that things have the potential to be great and yet there’s more hurdles for jumping. All I can do is sit back and see what happens.
You may have gathered that I’m quite an impatient person! This is magnified by the feeling of having lost so many years of my life to misery and suffering. I want to experience the world now, I want to get out and do stuff now. Lack of money and other issues restrict that so I’m left with this rather empty sensation that I feel deep to my soul. It causes me physical pain in my chest. How do you explain that to someone? How do you convey that without sounding needy and desperate?
I want more than I have, not in a material sense, but in a quality of life sense. I’m so scared of life passing me by. Maybe lots of people feel like this, even those you look up to and think they have it all sorted….hmmmmmm
For now I will have to cope with the ache in my chest and remind myself that something wonderful might be over the next hurdle (and if it isn’t, my life still has meaning).

Love, tea and hugs
Exxx

I’m off for a cry 🙂

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