Probably for the best (TW)

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Not sure if I should be writing this but it’s bothering me so maybe it might help someone else who feels the same….

I have three children. My last pregnancy wasn’t a nightmare however, it was a struggle. It was like my body was saying to me ‘enough is enough’. The nausea never went and the last few months were spent hobbling in pain as I had SPD (google it 🙂 ). When I had the baby I contracted a terrible womb infection that dragged on for a couple of months and caused me a lot of issues. The midwife said ‘see you for number four!’ …. I looked at her in horror and shook my head. No way – or something like that – was my reply. She was actually disappointed because apparently I do the baby thing ‘really well’, I’m not sure I agree with her on that one.

I guess I’m telling you all this because I had a miscarriage on the weekend. I knew I was pregnant for about 24 hrs before I started bleeding. I told no one, not even twitter.

For a very brief moment I was faced with the dilemma of what to do about being pregnant. I just ended my relationship with the ‘dad’ – oh that’s a bit weird, not sure I like that. Anyway, I was on my own and I already have three children to think about. It wasn’t a happy place to be but I confess that a little part of me was smiling.

I can’t explain why I felt happy as the reality of the situation would have been pretty dire. Single mum, four children, CFS and PTSD etc etc and then I dug my heels into the floor and thought ‘to hell with it, I’ve survived worse situations than this’.

I wasn’t going to tell the man involved, I was going to go it alone and have the baby and get on with things. Oh I’m so sad writing this.

The next day I woke up and knew I was bleeding. I spent 48 hours in pain and being sick. I’m still in a bit of pain even now. I decided to tell him and he saw it as a relief as he doesn’t want kids. Pretty much all my RL friends and family have all said ‘thank goodness for that, you would have been in a real mess. How could you be so stupid’ blah blah fucking blah.

So I’m left not really knowing how to feel about it. Should I be relieved? Grateful? Am I allowed to be upset? Not many around me seem to think like that so I’m just putting a smile on my face and pretending it never happened. I even found myself saying ‘it was just a bunch of cells anyway’. It was my bunch of cells though ….

Groovers on Manoeuvres | The rants and raves of a music fan in Swindon.

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Born Again Swindonian

This blog has come to my attention and I think it’s one that you Swindon music lovers might enjoy:

Groovers on Manoeuvres | The rants and raves of a music fan in Swindon..

#swindon #wiltshire #swindonblog  #swindon blog #thingstodoinswindon #thingstoseeinswindon #whattodoinswindon #swindonia #swindoniablog #hiddenswindon #swindonian #swindonia #music #gigs

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Post break-up spring clean list of things to do

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I’m not sure if anyone else does this but I find it a necessary process so here are my ‘must dos’. Feel free to add your own 🙂

1. Delete all photos and videos. Block them off all social media.
2. Throw away any items they may have left behind like a toothbrush or t shirt.
3. If you’re thinking ahead, leave any stuff they gave you at their place (see photo).
4. Throw away any items they bought for you, give to charity or keep them if they really are quite useful (like an amplifier and speakers for instance).
5. Ignore all calls and texts no matter how much they bleat at you.
6. Get a hair cut and buy new underwear. Throw away any clothes that have special significance.
7. Bleach the house from top to bottom so that any trace of their DNA is destroyed and permanently removed from your residence. And vacuum vacuum vacuum as they leave a hell of a lot of hair everywhere.
8. If you’re that way inclined, have an exorcism performed. I prefer a pagan cleansing ceremony …..
9. Wash bedding and if funds allow, buy a new bed and mattress. It makes all the difference believe me.
10. Remove nail varnish and cut nails (if you were wearing any when you split up).
11. Delete any music they gave you because let’s face it, you were just humouring them when you said you liked their taste in house music.
12. Throw away any condoms unless said boyfriend decided to take them just in case he needed them later ……
13. Deep clean the washing machine, dishwasher and descale the kettle.
14. Throw away any toiletries that may have escaped the previous sweep – like that bar of soap in the shower you forgot was there.
15. Go see that special Dr who erases them from your memory forever (I may be confusing reality with a movie here ….).
16. Block them off your eBay account, email and phone. Cancel any eBay purchases they may have been in the process of buying …..
17. Write nasty, abusive letters to them and then burn them in the garden. Making a voodoo doll of their image and stabbing it with darning needles also helps.
18. Remove all documents they put on your laptop.
19. Vow never to mention their name again; for example, ? becomes Shithead. Slowly Shithead will turn into ‘Who?’.
20. Above all else, hold your head up high and don’t look back. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Make new memories but please stay single for a while (special advice from my son there).

I bet you feel better already yeah? I know I do. Wipe that dust from your feet and move on, skipping as you go. You’re awesome and they didn’t deserve your presence in their life. No more wasting precious energy on someone who doesn’t give a flying fuck whether you’re in their life or not.

Love, tea and hugs to those who matter
Exxx

And in other news

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Today I visited the grave of a man that I fell in love with many years ago. It didn’t work out but we stayed friends. Most of my poems are about him, I guess he was my muse.
It’s been one of those days I’m afraid.

I left a piece of climbing gear and a Radiohead CD – The Bends (it’s ok, I have two copies).

Shit head was still with me at this point. Goodness only knows why I took him there.

Grief is an odd thing, it never really goes. It’s a bit like shingles, crops up occasionally and floors you. I can’t describe how his death still hurts me, how I’ve sat up at night and tried to reach him. Today, at his graveside I felt nothing. I was hoping to feel his presence but I didn’t, it was just a headstone and a pile of mud. I deadheaded some of the flowers and dug my hands into the earth. Touched his name with my fingers and swore at him for dying. We used to have good chats. He taught me to climb.

We lived our lives in a strange parallel. The same music collection, an obsessional devotion to Radiohead, we both had sons and went on to have daughters (born in the same school year) and his daughter’s name is my daughter’s middle name, we both had a near death experience in the same month, he moved ten doors away from me, he died on my son’s birthday, he was always nearby.

I didn’t speak to him in the six months before he died, I wasn’t allowed to…. The weeks leading up to his death, I could feel it every time I passed by his front door. I could smell it and had the feeling that black tendrils of tar crawled out into the street. It was oppressive, walking past his house was oppressive.

The day he died, I felt something lift. I can’t explain it but I knew he had gone even before anyone had told me. I walked past his house and it felt empty, the smell had gone. Then came the pain in my chest, an unbearable burning wrench.

I have let him go. I have moved on but that doesn’t mean I don’t shed a tear from time to time. You know the feeling, when you just want to talk to them and you can’t because they’re not there anymore. It hits you like a dull thump to the chest. I’m sure he would have had some choice words to say about my life.

It’ll be nice to have a rest from all this pain but someone told me to count my blessings and they’re right, I have much to feel blessed about.

The Sun still shines, even on a cloudy day. You just can’t see it but one day, the clouds will blow away and you’ll feel it’s warmth again.

Love, tea and hugs
Exxx

Quick blog

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Quick blog – mainly because it won’t fit into one tweet ….

Do you ever have a Romeo moment where you think there’s some .. Hang on, I need to find the quotation …

As you were …

Be right back ….

Sorry ….

Ok, here goes …

I fear too early, for my mind misgives
Some consequence yet hanging in the stars
Shall bitterly begin his fearful date
With this night’s revels, and expire the term

I know, I’m being all melodramatic again. I can’t explain it, I just feel oddly uncomfortable about something. Not even sure what that something is …. But it’s there and it’s bothering me. Like I’ve stepped onto the train and now I have no choice, I just have to go where it wills….

Listen to me?! Ha. I’m tired and talking nonsense …. Hmmmmmm

Love, tea and hugs
Exxx