Probably for the best (TW)

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Not sure if I should be writing this but it’s bothering me so maybe it might help someone else who feels the same….

I have three children. My last pregnancy wasn’t a nightmare however, it was a struggle. It was like my body was saying to me ‘enough is enough’. The nausea never went and the last few months were spent hobbling in pain as I had SPD (google it 🙂 ). When I had the baby I contracted a terrible womb infection that dragged on for a couple of months and caused me a lot of issues. The midwife said ‘see you for number four!’ …. I looked at her in horror and shook my head. No way – or something like that – was my reply. She was actually disappointed because apparently I do the baby thing ‘really well’, I’m not sure I agree with her on that one.

I guess I’m telling you all this because I had a miscarriage on the weekend. I knew I was pregnant for about 24 hrs before I started bleeding. I told no one, not even twitter.

For a very brief moment I was faced with the dilemma of what to do about being pregnant. I just ended my relationship with the ‘dad’ – oh that’s a bit weird, not sure I like that. Anyway, I was on my own and I already have three children to think about. It wasn’t a happy place to be but I confess that a little part of me was smiling.

I can’t explain why I felt happy as the reality of the situation would have been pretty dire. Single mum, four children, CFS and PTSD etc etc and then I dug my heels into the floor and thought ‘to hell with it, I’ve survived worse situations than this’.

I wasn’t going to tell the man involved, I was going to go it alone and have the baby and get on with things. Oh I’m so sad writing this.

The next day I woke up and knew I was bleeding. I spent 48 hours in pain and being sick. I’m still in a bit of pain even now. I decided to tell him and he saw it as a relief as he doesn’t want kids. Pretty much all my RL friends and family have all said ‘thank goodness for that, you would have been in a real mess. How could you be so stupid’ blah blah fucking blah.

So I’m left not really knowing how to feel about it. Should I be relieved? Grateful? Am I allowed to be upset? Not many around me seem to think like that so I’m just putting a smile on my face and pretending it never happened. I even found myself saying ‘it was just a bunch of cells anyway’. It was my bunch of cells though ….

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5 thoughts on “Probably for the best (TW)

  1. You are allowed to feel whatever it is you feel: anger, frustration, relief. As with any loss, a myriad of emotions accompany it. And I’m sure you will work through the gamut as you process what’s happened.

    And the “bunch of cells” comment, I think it’s just your way of protecting yourself. You and I both know that those cells were your child and the scaffolding for a strong nose, lanky limbs or bowed legs.

    I’ll be thinking of you. And am truly sorry.

    Best,
    Dani

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