Well, it’s been a pretty intense couple of months …… Can’t say I’ve enjoyed them but there has been some positive moments.
Trying to think of the positive moments…… Er ……
I confess to being a failure at life. I can’t keep a relationship going, I have ME PTSD and depression … My children drive me to the point of wanting to cut my own ears off and I don’t have 1000 followers on Twitter …. Oh and I’m rubbish at the things I used to enjoy like art, crochet, poetry … Not to mention my inability to keep a pregnancy going 😦
I’m also pretty vain and can’t cope with the whole ageing thing. My face tells a story of woe and I hate it. Then there’s the jelly belly and stretch marks from three pregnancies. Top that all off with my very small breasts and you get the picture.
So I’m a headcase, I’m a single parent, I have no talent in anything, I’m vain, my face and body is falling apart, I’m
a crap mum, I’m a poor judge of character, I’m paranoid, insecure, I have no money and no prospects, I’m selfish, I’m self centred and my iPhone IS my life – actually I have no life really.
Is there anything good about me???? Ummmmmm ….. I’ll get back to you on that one.
I think, maybe, I have lost myself. I’m not sure who I am meant to be or what my identity is. There’s a real feeling of drifting through life and missing out on it all.
Is it a generational thing? Does everyone in their 30s feel lost and disillusioned?? Take a step outside into the real world and there’s not much to be happy about right now.
This is when I take a few deep breaths and try and focus on something beautiful …. The sunset the other day was amazing, watching my cat negotiate fences without putting a paw wrong, those moments when all three children aren’t screaming at me or each other ….. A nice cup of tea. None of the above is life changing but my head is so stuck in storm clouds that it’s nice to see blue sky now and then.
I’m hoping I won’t feel like this forever, that life improves and I can be a better person.
Love, tea and hugs