Me,myself and I

Standard

Well, it’s been a pretty intense couple of months …… Can’t say I’ve enjoyed them but there has been some positive moments.

Trying to think of the positive moments…… Er ……

I confess to being a failure at life. I can’t keep a relationship going, I have ME PTSD and depression … My children drive me to the point of wanting to cut my own ears off and I don’t have 1000 followers on Twitter …. Oh and I’m rubbish at the things I used to enjoy like art, crochet, poetry … Not to mention my inability to keep a pregnancy going 😦

I’m also pretty vain and can’t cope with the whole ageing thing. My face tells a story of woe and I hate it. Then there’s the jelly belly and stretch marks from three pregnancies. Top that all off with my very small breasts and you get the picture.

So I’m a headcase, I’m a single parent, I have no talent in anything, I’m vain, my face and body is falling apart, I’m
a crap mum, I’m a poor judge of character, I’m paranoid, insecure, I have no money and no prospects, I’m selfish, I’m self centred and my iPhone IS my life – actually I have no life really.

Is there anything good about me???? Ummmmmm ….. I’ll get back to you on that one.

I think, maybe, I have lost myself. I’m not sure who I am meant to be or what my identity is. There’s a real feeling of drifting through life and missing out on it all.

Is it a generational thing? Does everyone in their 30s feel lost and disillusioned?? Take a step outside into the real world and there’s not much to be happy about right now.

This is when I take a few deep breaths and try and focus on something beautiful …. The sunset the other day was amazing, watching my cat negotiate fences without putting a paw wrong, those moments when all three children aren’t screaming at me or each other ….. A nice cup of tea. None of the above is life changing but my head is so stuck in storm clouds that it’s nice to see blue sky now and then.

I’m hoping I won’t feel like this forever, that life improves and I can be a better person.

Love, tea and hugs
Exxx

Some poetry for you…..

Standard

All Over Again

You nurture the seed
‘Till a seeding does grow
And you watch and you wait
For the change to a plant
See it flower and fruit
And then watch it die
Collect up the seed
Bag it up when it’s dried
Another year starts
You plant a new seed
And you find yourself
Doing it all over again
And over again
And over again
And you find yourself
Doing it all over again.

Jane Hellyer 2013

Crawl

There’s a tiredness that sleep won’t reach
It’s a tiredness that cannot rest
It will take away your very soul hanging like a puppet
With no master to control your moves
Useless and no direction known

Left crawling on your knees
With echoes of dreams still in your ears
Popping and humming like a siren song
That makes you forget all that you know
But no laudanum has touched your lips
That would be too simple a cure
No, this is a much darker tale
That will leave you wasting in a chair
And watching life run past like fire

Jane Hellyer 2013

Suicide isn’t painless

Standard

Yep, I’m jumping on the bandwagon…. But I have to say I think it is important to keep talking about mental health and suicide. I’m afraid this isn’t going to be the most eloquent piece on mental health you will have read… I’m not a highly educated linguist …

As you all know, I tried to kill myself, by overdosing on lorazepam, on New Years Day. This was actually the second attempt I have made on my life. No one really knows about the first time as it was very half hearted and I just slept it off at home.

I cannot begin to tell you how distressed I have felt. It has caused me immense physical pain and also to scream like I’m being hunted down by a murderer. It actually makes you want to tear your skin off or rip out your hair.

I’ve lost a lot of friends over the years because they can’t handle my depression and my dark moods. Certain family members have drifted off. Having said that, I’ve also made new friends, mainly with people who have had similar feelings. There’s a special understanding with such people that you can never have with those who have not experienced depression.

There’s no point trying to rationalise depression, it’s not rational, it’s mental illness. Your body is ill and needs help. Due to the stigma that still surrounds mental illness, we struggle on and don’t seek help. I know I have been quite stubborn about my own mental health; stopping antidepressants because I don’t think I need them, thinking I can get over it on my own, believing myself to be undeserving of help …

Individuals cannot overcome this stigma on their own, the whole of society needs to change it’s attitude towards mental health. It’s not about being ‘mad’ or ‘crazy’ or a ‘nutter’, it’s about an invisible illness that rots you from the inside out. By the time it shows on your outer self, you really are in quite a bit of trouble.

This is a big confession of mine and something I have only ever admitted to The Samaritans….. I strongly believe that I will commit suicide one day. As I said to the woman on the end of the phone, it’s a matter of when – not if. It’s something I carry with me every day. I not saying I’m about to jump off a bridge, it could be 30 years from now ….. I see suicide as a tool in my armour against life, it’s the only real control I have over anything that exists around me.

I’m not trying to glorify or glamourise suicide, just being honest about how I feel. All I do know is that I see the irony in the fact that knowing I can end my life one day, actually keeps me going.

Love and extra hugs
Exxx

Things that annoy me

Standard

Thought I’d try to post a more positive blog so here goes …. I don’t want you all thinking I’m depressing arsehole ….

Here’s a list of things that annoy me, no particular order:

1. Noisy eaters
2. People who eat with their mouth open
3. Dog owners who don’t pick up their dog’s poo thus leaving it on the street for my kids to step in
4. Windy days – as in the weather
5. Finding the bathroom towel on the floor, again
6. People who say ‘haitch’ when it is ‘aitch’ ffs get it right!!!!
7. Migraines
8. Periods
9. When the cat leaves muddy paw prints on my clean bedding
10. Bindweed
11. Packaging
12. My landing light as it has a mind of it’s own
13. That none of my children are tidy
14. The school run
15. Cramp in my toes
16. Unexpected rain shower on dry washing
17. The front bench HofC. Most politicians annoy me if I think about it
18. Two faced people – who know who you are 😉
19. Standing on a small, sharp stone or piece of Lego or plug …
20. Stubbing a toe
21. There is not a cat food product on this planet that my cat likes to eat
22. Abnormally happy people
23. Waterproof coats that aren’t actually waterproof
24. Mobile phone battery life
25. Constantly forgetting my passwords
26. Getting old
27. Gok Wan
28. Jeans where the flies keep coming undone for no reason at all
29. Lack of food choice when eating out for dairy intolerant veggies like me grrrrrrr
30. Male friends who think you’re going to have sex with them because you’re single
31. Celebrities – hate them all
32. Daily Mail readers
33. Room 101 – never been the same since they changed the format (for you Julie xxx)
34. Milky tea – just so wrong I can’t even tell you. Don’t even start me on it
35. People who say ‘that’ll learn ya’
36. Needing a wee two minutes after having just done a wee
37. Very loud and nosey receptionists at Dr Surgery eg ‘YOU WANT TO BOOK A SMEAR TEST?’
38. Roller blinds
39. Knickers that aren’t thongs but side ride up your bottom especially when you’re in a public space
40. Flies especially those little ones buzzzzzzzz
41. People who whistle and I include my 7yo in that one
42. Beach sand, gets everywhere, then dries and can only be removed by scrapping off your skin
43. The wind on beaches ……
44. Hair – gets everywhere especially the short and curly ones. Add cat fur to that
45. Milk cartons that leak or dribble milk….you had one job!!!
46. Dust
47. Cleaning glass and windows….. Never looks clean
48. Rude bus drivers and aren’t there a lot of them?! Gits

I could go on but I have a migraine and my eyes are shutting down

Love, tea and hugs
Exxx

Where’s my head at??

Standard

Another one of my rambling posts about everything and nothing. Typing this on my laptop for a change, it’s sooo much easier than trying to tap it all out on my phone….

I’m a little lost at the moment. Maybe it’s the kids being off school, maybe it’s because my family all *hate* me, maybe it’s because my heart is pissing me off …… could be for lots of reasons. I’ve been trying to do some mindfulness activities to ground me, focus on the here and now etc. It sort of helps but my anxiety is creeping back. 

I’m sat here and I’m not really focusing on what I’m typing, I’m worrying about stuff that I have little or no control over whatsoever. I feel powerless, like those dreams where you need to make an emergency call but your fingers won’t move.

Where is my head at then?? No idea. I feel unsettled, restless, agitated …… it makes me want to scratch at my skin or punch a wall. Perhaps I am going down that horrible path of darkness again?

I have no energy to keep fighting. I’m not strong or brave or awesome, I’m pretty crap really. Not sure why people keep telling me how great I am. I’m a single parent with three quite difficult children, I have various health complaints, my family won’t speak to me as they don’t agree with how I am running my life…… you get the idea. Where’s the strength and bravery in that?

I feel abandoned by everyone.