Suicide isn’t painless

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Yep, I’m jumping on the bandwagon…. But I have to say I think it is important to keep talking about mental health and suicide. I’m afraid this isn’t going to be the most eloquent piece on mental health you will have read… I’m not a highly educated linguist …

As you all know, I tried to kill myself, by overdosing on lorazepam, on New Years Day. This was actually the second attempt I have made on my life. No one really knows about the first time as it was very half hearted and I just slept it off at home.

I cannot begin to tell you how distressed I have felt. It has caused me immense physical pain and also to scream like I’m being hunted down by a murderer. It actually makes you want to tear your skin off or rip out your hair.

I’ve lost a lot of friends over the years because they can’t handle my depression and my dark moods. Certain family members have drifted off. Having said that, I’ve also made new friends, mainly with people who have had similar feelings. There’s a special understanding with such people that you can never have with those who have not experienced depression.

There’s no point trying to rationalise depression, it’s not rational, it’s mental illness. Your body is ill and needs help. Due to the stigma that still surrounds mental illness, we struggle on and don’t seek help. I know I have been quite stubborn about my own mental health; stopping antidepressants because I don’t think I need them, thinking I can get over it on my own, believing myself to be undeserving of help …

Individuals cannot overcome this stigma on their own, the whole of society needs to change it’s attitude towards mental health. It’s not about being ‘mad’ or ‘crazy’ or a ‘nutter’, it’s about an invisible illness that rots you from the inside out. By the time it shows on your outer self, you really are in quite a bit of trouble.

This is a big confession of mine and something I have only ever admitted to The Samaritans….. I strongly believe that I will commit suicide one day. As I said to the woman on the end of the phone, it’s a matter of when – not if. It’s something I carry with me every day. I not saying I’m about to jump off a bridge, it could be 30 years from now ….. I see suicide as a tool in my armour against life, it’s the only real control I have over anything that exists around me.

I’m not trying to glorify or glamourise suicide, just being honest about how I feel. All I do know is that I see the irony in the fact that knowing I can end my life one day, actually keeps me going.

Love and extra hugs
Exxx

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