Me,myself and I

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Well, it’s been a pretty intense couple of months …… Can’t say I’ve enjoyed them but there has been some positive moments.

Trying to think of the positive moments…… Er ……

I confess to being a failure at life. I can’t keep a relationship going, I have ME PTSD and depression … My children drive me to the point of wanting to cut my own ears off and I don’t have 1000 followers on Twitter …. Oh and I’m rubbish at the things I used to enjoy like art, crochet, poetry … Not to mention my inability to keep a pregnancy going 😦

I’m also pretty vain and can’t cope with the whole ageing thing. My face tells a story of woe and I hate it. Then there’s the jelly belly and stretch marks from three pregnancies. Top that all off with my very small breasts and you get the picture.

So I’m a headcase, I’m a single parent, I have no talent in anything, I’m vain, my face and body is falling apart, I’m
a crap mum, I’m a poor judge of character, I’m paranoid, insecure, I have no money and no prospects, I’m selfish, I’m self centred and my iPhone IS my life – actually I have no life really.

Is there anything good about me???? Ummmmmm ….. I’ll get back to you on that one.

I think, maybe, I have lost myself. I’m not sure who I am meant to be or what my identity is. There’s a real feeling of drifting through life and missing out on it all.

Is it a generational thing? Does everyone in their 30s feel lost and disillusioned?? Take a step outside into the real world and there’s not much to be happy about right now.

This is when I take a few deep breaths and try and focus on something beautiful …. The sunset the other day was amazing, watching my cat negotiate fences without putting a paw wrong, those moments when all three children aren’t screaming at me or each other ….. A nice cup of tea. None of the above is life changing but my head is so stuck in storm clouds that it’s nice to see blue sky now and then.

I’m hoping I won’t feel like this forever, that life improves and I can be a better person.

Love, tea and hugs
Exxx

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4 thoughts on “Me,myself and I

  1. Debeneesse

    The whole is other than the sum of the parts ….that’s me being all Gestalt on you but is worth thinking about.

    You do seem to have that gestalt quality of awareness practice (mindfulness) “watching my cat negotiate fences without putting a paw wrong” the experience is other than it’s parts and you know that. It is regrettable that you do not see that you might be other than your parts and like the cat on the fence be a thing of grace and beauty….

    I’ll stop wagging my finger at you now. And say it is a nicely written peace, I do like your conversational style.

    • I’m going to have to google Gestalt …. Sounds like a German philosopher perhaps?
      Thanks for your feedback, you always have interesting things to say.
      I guess I’m not very good at recognising my strengths ….. It almost feels wrong to say ‘hey, I’m actually a pretty decent human being’.
      I was brought up to believe I was not better than anyone (or they better than me but more focus on the first!)
      Exxx

  2. Paul

    While my life has been nowhere near as tough as yours I am a bit older so I hope you won’t mind me passing on some stuff I have learned. If you don’t like this, sorry, delete it and forget it.

    Patience – I didn’t know who I was ’til I was about 40. I have now learnt to be comfortable with who I am. The 20 year old me would have hated this me, Tough!

    Age – is just a number. I’m homing in on 50 but pretty sure I haven’t reached my potential yet. I wouldn’t have believed this four years ago (see Patience)

    Looks – Everybody’s looks go unless you spend a fortune on surgery and want to look like a freak forever. Personality is way more important (see Happiness).

    ME – I had to learn to live a more sedate life so I could live any sort of life at all. I am cool with this.

    Creativity – We’re all our own worst critic. Just do your art, crochet, writing and let other people have an opinion. It’s great to have a creative outlet.

    Anger – is a negative energy. There’s a lot to be angry about but it’s not good for us and is draining. Control the controllables.

    Followers – meh! How many of them really care. Give me 10 good ones rather than a 1000 who don’t care.

    Help – We can’t do it all on our own. I have had alternative therapy and counselling in the last 15 years and I will read ‘self-help’ books. (Life is Not a Game of Perfect by Bob Rotella and The Art of Being Brilliant by Andy Cope were particularly useful)

    Positive people – Are generally much better to be around than the opposite. Happiness is contagious (follow @beingbrilliant or read his book)

    Failure – Everybody fails. Some publicly, some not. It’s how you bounce back (see Help and positive people)

    Storm clouds – Everybody gets them. It’s good to recognise them so you can work round them or challenge them head on and beat them.

    Nature – Sunsets are cool. I’m a particular fan of birdsong. It’s great to ‘smell the roses’ and reset once in a while.

    Tea – is awesome.

    • Thanks Paul. I have a feeling that I might know you 😉

      I appreciate all your comments and will re read this several times as I think you’ve said some really helpful stuff.

      I also like birdsong 🙂 don’t hear much of it where I live though!

      The kids will be at school soon so it gives me some time to ground myself and pamper my mind!

      Exxx

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