A Meditation on being dead

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Yeah, I know, I meant to be having a break but just wrote this and am impatient so ….

What I would miss if I were no longer here …. A meditation on not being dead

I was interrupted by a phone call whilst composing this blog in my head. It may not have the impact or convey the message I wanted to make now ….. One of the draw backs of modern living I guess?

This isn’t meant to be a poem or even prose. Any rhyming or rhythm is purely accidental. It’s more a stream of my consciousness whilst lying outside, desperately trying to ward off my anxiety – just been interrupted by another two phone calls …. Ffs

Ok, here goes…phone on silent …..

We all die, what happens after we die is not the question I’m tackling here. It’s more a mental journey of earthy things that are lost forever once we are gone and can no longer experience them.

I will miss:

Watching my children grow and learn and not being able to be there for them when they need me, when life has let them down and only their mummy will do.

My friends and family. Sharing a pot of tea and a cake and a good gossip about everything and nothing. To be a shoulder to cry on and have a shoulder to cry on. The healing nature of a heartfelt hug.

The way nature fills my senses. The feel of a cool breeze on my face, the icy cold of the sea water on my toes. The smell of damp earth that you get on a summer’s day when it’s been dry for ages and suddenly rains, large drops that ricochet off the pavement. A bird flying off a chimney pot or a squirrel running across the grass with it’s tail arched and bristling. Hearing the wind rushing through autumnal leaves or the mew of a kitten to it’s mother.

The taste of food and drink. The bitter, the sweet, the sour and the salty. Sometimes bland and sometimes over overpowering.

Love. The agony and the ecstasy of human relationships. Those intimate moments where it feels like we’re the only two people in existence. To get lost in their eyes and forget your own name. The feel of their skin on your skin, their mouth, their limbs, to be physically one if only for a short time.

To experience culture, soak myself in works of art or walls of sound. To be brought to tears by a book or a film. The laughter I get when a comedian touches on something I perfectly relate to. A well read poem on the radio, a battered postcard of a favourite painting. Not forgetting the creating, to be blessed with hands and feet and eyes so that I can crochet, sketch, paint or play an instrument really badly.

To walk down a street, any street and just live in that moment. See cars passing and builders working. People rushing past and you know nothing of their lives and how their day is going. Look up and watch the airlines flying hundreds of people to another country and wondering what they are talking about, how they are feeling when they step out of the airport and into new air.

The feel of clothes on my body. How sometimes I need soft, comforting clothes to snuggle into and forget the world and other times something more close fitting and daring to make me feel edgy and sexual. But mostly I wear clothes that just get me by in life without feeling like I’ve totally given up on myself.

The warmth of the Sun. Being a redhead I burn in the sun and suffer heat stroke at the slightest rise in temperature BUT …… The Sun makes everything seem better, colours are brighter, people smile more, my house feels more alive, my body feels warmer and more motivated to move and be productive. As beautiful as snow is, and it’s ability to cover up the crap us humans spew everywhere, it’s coldness becomes a chore so much quicker than a hot spell from the Sun. Which makes me think of the seasons and how they will carry on without me. How I long for Spring every year, to see the hawthorn hedges sprinkled with the freshest green on nature’s palate. Knowing that the winter is over – such a feeling for me. A relief.

And that is the thing, the crux of all of this. Life will go on without me. I am not a celebrity of any kind, no one will really note my passing but for a few individuals I shared my time with. Time will keep ticking. On the day that I die, people will go to work like they do, go on holiday, eat, shit and have sex. Cars and vans will be driven, post will land on doormats ….. All those little things that go unnoticed and I will no longer be a part of that cycle. And when I am merely dust, the earth will claim me and I will step onto the conveyer belt that will turn my ashes to rock. I always knew there was a reason why I’m so fascinated by rocks because they are the very essence of life and death all rolled up into something most people wouldn’t think twice about. Maybe being dead’s not so bad after all. I will live, like we all will, through the Earth that we walked on and one day become a part of the Universe that set the stage for my brief existence …..

Love to you all
Exxx IMG_2864.JPG

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Farewell, for now anyway.

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I’m stepping back from social media for a few weeks. This will be quite difficult for me as I have become quite dependent on it. I wouldn’t say it’s an addiction, more an outlet for all the nonsense in my brain.

Hoping this sabbatical will be a positive move. I deactivated my Facebook account last December and never regretted it. It was actually a huge weight off my shoulders.

This will be harder ….. I enjoy interacting with people and having a voice. In real life, I don’t have a voice at all and today that got slightly worse …… I can’t tell you why. I understand the reasons, it’s a just I already feel alone and isolated so perhaps it hurt more than it should have. Anyway, I’ll only be away for a few weeks.

I have some very important stuff coming up so I need to protect myself and prepare for the hurricane. Once the storm has passed, maybe I’ll finally be allowed to talk about what happened to me.

I’m scared, I’m scared of so many things but what worries me the most is losing the support of people I care about. I realise my life choices have created this distance….. How I feel right now is alone and vulnerable. I’m beginning to believe that there’s something wrong with me so that’s why my life is how it is right now.

Before I bow out, I want you to know that I’m not perfect, I get things wrong and I screw things up. I need to go off and do what I need to do and maybe then I can move on and start again. It’s the hurdle that has been looming for two years now, I mustn’t let myself down as my life depends on it.

Now go and have tea and cake for me
Love Exxx