I’m not sure I’ve captured everything I want to say on this subject. My CFS, foggy mind has a habit of taking sentences and words away from me!
A lot of very well meaning people keep telling me that I don’t need to be a victim. I know what they are trying to say, they are trying to say ‘don’t let the abuse you suffered ruin your life’. The thing is, I am a victim.
If you’re reading this and you’ve never suffered the trauma of abuse then you might find it difficult to comprehend why someone like me, is struggling with life. Why don’t I just get my act together? I appreciate that you can’t walk in my shoes and have complete empathy BUT you can do your bit to educate yourself so that you have some understanding of what my life is like (and what other victims lives are like too).
You need to understand that I don’t enjoy feeling this way. It’s not an act, I don’t play on it for sympathy. I can’t imagine why anyone would deliberately make themselves feel this way. That’s not to say that I’m all doom and gloom, I get quite a few moments of happiness now. On the other hand, just because I can still smile and laugh, it doesn’t take away the pain. You see….not easy is it? I’m allowed to feel how ever I want to feel but there are many occasions where I’m not in control of my emotions.
That’s the thing about trauma, it’s fluid. There’s no set recovery time or medication that will make you feel better. I completed an 8 week (or 6 weeks – can’t remember!) CBT course and it really didn’t address anything that I have been through. I felt like the lone weirdo who’s first comment to the group was that I was worried about how many men would be attending….. I understand the CBT theory, it just wasn’t for me.
That’s all the NHS have been able to offer me for support. It’s not like I haven’t tried to get better so don’t go judging. It’s not nice when you can’t leave the house without a packet of lorazepam and an attack alarm in your pocket. It’s not nice when you catch a glimpse of a figure in your house and you feel terror, only to find it’s the vacuum cleaner or a shadow or absolutely nothing.
No doubt I will breathe easier one day. Time doesn’t heal but it does allow a distance to grow from the days of abuse to the days you are living now. My trauma will be with me forever in the same way that the seasons come and go. Right now I’m in a stormy autumn, one day there may be a springtime.
Love, tea and hugs