I have to confess that the title of this blog is a little misleading ….
Today, I weighed myself. This doesn’t happen very often as I don’t have bathroom scales in my house. I had an idea of my weight as I have been in and out of hospital recently and they like to weigh you ALL of the time.
I didn’t like what the scales said. Since September I have put on almost 3kg. I am now back at the weight that I was before I had my nervous breakdown (for want of a better term). In reality this is a good thing…..that’s not how I felt. All the weight gain has gone to my stomach, I’m an apple shape, and I hate it. There we go, I said it, I hate the way my body looks.
This is why I’m writing this under the heading of ‘absent feminist’. If I were a strong woman who didn’t give a damn about what people thought of me, I would be a feminist. Instead, I’m letting the side down by worrying about having a bloated stomach. It’s really quite pathetic of me and I am truly sorry that it bothers me.
I’ve had issues with food since I was 9. Whilst the label ‘anorexic’ has been thrown at me a few times, I’ve not let it stick. At the age of 17, I weighed 5st and the doctor told me that if I were to lose any more weight then I would be sectioned (I didn’t and I never was). This whole episode occurred because I developed a huge fear of stomach bugs after being sick when I was 9. This is so hard for me to write! It looks so ridiculous on screen. So much suffering in the world and I couldn’t eat because I was afraid of being sick.
When I didn’t eat, I would feel sick and so the fear of being sick would get worse. My psychologist told me that is was a positive feedback loop – don’t eat,not sick so not eating is helping me to not be sick. I figured this out on my own, so my psychologist told me that I knew exactly what I was doing and couldn’t help me anymore. Anyway, that’s just to put today into context for you.
I’ve always wanted to have a wonderful body, free of stretch marks and moles and hair and all the stuff us women are told are ugly. They certainly sold it to me and that’s one of the many reasons why I can’t call myself a feminist (there’s a lot more ). I still see my beauty as a physical thing, I don’t apply this to other people, just myself. I strongly believe that a lot of the problems I have had over the last 20 years can be put down to my body shaming.
I don’t have the mental energy to write anymore today but when I do I will come back to this subject. Horrible feeling I might regret this post …