Happy New Year – Happy Anniversary

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Well, at approx 4.30pm on the 1st Jan 2014, I took an overdose of lorazepam. I’ve sort of been waiting for this day to come to say ‘hey, it’s been a whole year since I tried to kill myself!’ And now I don’t know what to write …..

I lost approx 14 hrs to being unconscious. I remember lying down in the ambulance and waking up on a ward on the morning of Jan 2nd. I was duly kicked out of my bed and put in a chair as someone else needed the bed …. I sat in that chair for hours and not one person checked up on me. I had a brief meeting with some MH people who told me I had to see my GP in two days time.

It was awful and lonely and desperate. I wished I hadn’t woken up as life was somehow more difficult now.

So, it’s been a year and it’s been a struggle ….. I’ve had some good times and I’ve had some pretty shitty times … I’m disappointed that my life is pretty much where I left it in the ambulance. It’s like I’ve come full circle, only this time I’m more in control of my MH and not feeling so distressed and suicidal.

I feel sad to be sat here on my own on NYE but I’ve done it before and got through it. There’s lots of us sat about, feeling slightly (or extremely) lost this evening.

I have to recognise that I have slipped back a bit, regressed a bit…. And I need to make sure that 2015 is the year that I start fighting back. I know New Years resolutions aren’t cool but here are a few of mine ….

Stay single!!!!!! That’s actually quite easy as I have no social life and there’s no queue of people waiting to date me. Haha

Love myself and be more positive about myself.

Try to do more stuff with my children – rage against the CFS! They deserve better.

Get creative … This is part of who I am and I constantly neglect it. We all need our hobbies.

Heal, heal, heal …….. And maybe take up yoga …..

Oh and world peace 😉

So I will see you all on the other side of the calendar ….
Have a good one
Love, tea and hugs
Exxx

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It’s ok to hurt

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I’m awake and no sign of sleepiness so thought it a good idea (?!) to get this down on screen (poor old, forgotten paper) so it might get out of my head …..

This is a pretty insufferable post so I won’t begrudge anyone if they read it and go ‘ffs woman, get a fucking grip and move on’ …. Or just don’t read any of it if you think that you might have that response.

A few months ago, I wrote some posts called ‘the dating game’ about my experiences with this man who I shall call M. I ended up deleting them in fear of him finding them. I don’t really give a shit now as we’ve split up (yes, we have actually split for good this time!).

What I don’t like is how my brain is still thinking of him, constantly. Of how I miss him so much that it does hurt. That I will never see him or smell him again. And then there’s the puppy …. 😦

I know that time will pass and as my mantraband states ‘this too shall pass’. It shall pass but I still have to live through the pain. I am a bugger for holding on to lost loves, there’s one person (no longer living) who I still dream about even now.

What do we do with these feelings? Right now, I’ve decided not to fight against them and just accept them.
If I want to cry, I will cry. I’ve moved on a bit in the seven days since we split up, I’m feeling less crap about myself as lots of lovely people have told me that I’m an ok person. I’m lucky to have people who genuinely care about me. I’m not sure M has that (and yes, that makes me feel sad).

He brought out a strange need in me to nurture and look after him. I wanted to make him happy, to soothe his woes and provide a steady rock to hold on to. In the process of trying to be all these things, I lost myself. I stopped doing stuff that I enjoyed and retreated back into my own little world. It happened so slowly that it only occurred to me today that I have pretty much ground to a halt.

On the surface, I tried to believe that all was well and this was a strong relationship. Deep down, my body was saying otherwise. My depression has made a come back, my CFS is worse and I feel like a ghost of someone who once had a life.

I don’t know how he did it but he stripped me bare. I was just on the up after my overdose and anxiety attacks, I thought I’d dip my toe into the world of romance and see what happens. That was my biggest mistake.

Heartbreak is an odd and painful experience. In many respects, it’s really not that important. You watch the news and you think ‘why am I sobbing over a shithead when people are dying in wars?’. The broken hearted person acts outside logic – a bit like mental illness. You know, feeling totally alone when you’re not actually totally alone ….. So people can sneer at you and tell you to grow up but you know, they would be the same if someone broke their heart.

So, for now, I will endure and accept that I have a broken heart. One day, it won’t seem important at all. One day, I will look back and wonder why I made such a fuss. Until that moment, I am going to be like scratched vinyl. Stuck in a rut and resorting to the same nonsensical crap over and over again. You’ve been warned 🙂

Love, tea and hugs to the broken hearted ones of this world
Exxx

PS I haven’t even touched on the lies he and me believing but it’s late….

Goodbye Little Ralf

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How Ralf got his name ….

On the weekend of the July 18th I had a miscarriage. I may have been about 6 weeks pregnant.

It was a horrendous experience, the pain, the bleeding and seeing something I shall never forget. No one should see something like that.

I was very distressed and very ill. He miscarriage triggered one of the worst migraines I’ve ever had and I was very sick.

After much persuasion, I managed to get a doctor to take me seriously (they’re not interested in early miscarriages 😦 ). They prescribed me some tramadol for the excruciating pain that I was in. It really had taken control of my body and I could only focus how much agony just I was in.

M took me to get my meds and I took a pill when I got home. I’m quite sensitive to medication (just ask my GP!) so it knocked me out pretty quickly. M somehow managed to get me to bed and that is when I uttered the name ‘Ralf’. Who knows where that came from. It’s not a name that is in my consciousness.

M and I somehow both came to the same conclusion that the baby I lost was a boy and Ralf seemed to be a significant name. Now, I know what you’re all thinking, I’ve absolutely mad and reading far too much into this ….

And the next thing I know, we have a puppy called Ralf because of the little boy I lost. I hope to be the best mummy that Ralf could ever have. He will always be special to me. I may not see him every day but I will be there.

And now I have to say goodbye to Ralf as M has dumped me. I miss you my little boykie. I will miss you more than you will ever comprehend. Please have a happy life and be a good doggy.

Love your mummy xxx

Poem

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My life, a constant crashing wave
Like some endless nightmare
Yet I’m awake
There are teasers of joy
Hints of amazement and
I’m smiling again
It’s so nice to smile
Then I hear the loud boom
Of water on rock
That was the sound
Of my happiness shattered
Crushed again wand again
Like some hopeless crew
Of a doomed fishing vessel
Getting forever slammed
Into cliffs built for protection
What use are they against
The storm that my mind brews
I will be broken down
Smaller and smaller
Until only atoms are left
And emotions are useless
But the process is slow
And it causes me pain
So what shall I do
Too exhausted to swim
Too bruised to hold on
All I can do is give in
And give up my soul

My Christmas Message to You

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Ok …. My second attempt at writing about Christmas ….. Last time it was thwarted by a man but I’m not going to use this post to tell you what an utter arsehole he is … No, I’m better than that.

This is my Christmas message to those who aren’t having such a wonderful time right now.

Christmas and New Year’s are one of the worst times of the year. Let’s face it, it is the time of year when you are reminded of everything that is wrong about your life. Why else do New Year’s resolution exist?! To make us feel we are not good enough and we need to change.

Change isn’t necessarily a bad thing, doing something that improves your physical or mental health is actually a pretty good thing. Anyway, I’m getting distracted already!

Whilst we all know that everyone isn’t having a jolly old time, it doesn’t take away how low we might be feeling. If, like me, you suffer from depression (and ptsd and Mecfs) there’s no logic involved in why you feel so so low. When you hear of other’s grief or suffering it just compounds the feelings of despair. Please don’t lose your compassion though.

You may not even be alone for Christmas. I have my children and my cat with me. I’m doing all that I can to focus on that fact and yet I have this awful burning in my chest. Us depressed people are an awkward bunch; we feel sad at being alone, we feel alone when we’re not and sometimes we just want to be alone. Right now, I’m sat with my children and desperately want to curl up into a ball and hide for about three months.

How do we endure it? By remembering that we are ok and life changes. There may be people out there having a wonderful time and feeling all loved up and cosy … It’s not their fault. Clichés aplenty I’m afraid but we can’t give up on hope.

Try not to fight Christmas, it’s here and soon it will be gone. Maybe next year will be better, maybe it won’t however, hope will always be there. Cling on to that if you have nothing else to hold on to. Cling on to those who are near you even if you’d rather push them all away and if you don’t have anyone then reach out to those who don’t have anyone either ….. If all of that is too much then find a safe place and just be.

So here it is …..

My Christmas message to you is to hold on to hope. Yep, simple and as complicated as that.

Love, tea and hugs
Exxx

And here is rather awful poem I wrote a few years ago ….

Christmas in the UK

It’s mild, wet and windy
No snow on the ground
The kids are running riot
And the Christmas tree’s turned brown
The Silver Band are tipsy
As they play carols on the street
No one wants breakfast
They’re all full of sweets!
Turkey in the oven
But I’m having nut roast
I need special gravy
Such a pain for the host
Presents are opened and everyone’s full
Time to relax now and and watch Dr Who
Children in bed now, the clocks ticks past two
Another Christmas is over, another Christmas is through.

2012

Posting this again

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Just for you. I hope you have shit life

Fuck off

You know nothing of me
You know nothing of me
I would have waited for you
Would have crushed all your foes
But you made me a fool
Brought me down like a tree
I was graceful and willing
I was up for the taking

You know nothing of me
You know nothing of me
To treat me this way
Like I’m unworthy of you
Well, you know what to do
You can go screw yourself
And fuck off with your words
They mean nothing to me

You know nothing of me
You know nothing of me
So just stay away now
I do not want to know
How my beauty is great and my passionate soul
Don’t you think I don’t know
You can fuck off with that

Fucking Shitty Christmas

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Impossible to miss that it is almost Christmas …. Even if you’ve done your absolute best to ignore it.

I don’t want to be all ‘bah humbug’ about it. Christmas used to be the most wonderful time for me. Childhood memories of sleepless Christmas Eves, not wanting to eat breakfast and that general feeling of utter magic. I’ve been so blessed to have those memories.

In my teens, it dawned at me that Christmas wouldn’t always be like that. People grow up, people die, people move away …… You adjust to the new tradition and it’s special again. And then came 7 Christmases with my ex. They weren’t all awful but unfortunately I can only remember the bad (and even the good times were most likely to be false).

Spending weeks and weeks worrying about the increase in drinking, not being able to afford presents (or food), having to leave our home just before Christmas due to repossession…… And so much more. The joy of Christmas was slowly drained out of me until I saw it all as chore and something to stress about.

I keep Christmas going because of my children, I want them to have the memories that I have but I don’t think that they will. To be honest, the closer Christmas gets now, the more I feel like curling up in a ball and hiding. It’s an awful time of year and I get the impression that I am not alone so can we all stop pretending that we’re having a good time? Please?

I don’t really have the emotional strength to keep a smile on my face and be all bright and bubbly. I’ll do my best for my children and then spend the evening crying like I have done for a few years now.

I started writing this before my boyfriend decided to end things with me today. I can’t continue with this blog.