How do you cope with loneliness when you’re not really alone?
Being a single parent, with a cat, extended family and friends I shouldn’t feel that alone. It’s not like I’m an isolated elderly woman, forgotten in a council flat somewhere. I guess I’m just a terribly needy people.
I find my neediness to be quite an ugly trait of mine. When I first meet people, I do a pretty good job of pretending to be a strong, independent woman. That mask slips quite quickly and all my insecurities come flowing out like a river that’s been dredged. Awful.
Just to confuse you, I have been in relationships where I have felt utterly alone too. The more I think about it, the more I realise how long I have spent feeling alone.
Right now, having three youngish children to care for and CFS etc, it is difficult to get out there and meet new people. My social life – what social life!! I know when I’ve tried internet dating,people have asked why on earth am I single?! I’m thinking it’s all me – I give off vibes that suggest I’ll be a pain in the arse to date!
I think I’m quite simple really. I need attention and hugs. Shower me with gifts by all means but that doesn’t make me feel loved or cared for.
Due to this loneliness affliction, I have ended up in relationships that have not been good – as you probably already know….. I have been swept off my feet and made to feel amazing. I really thought I had it all and all those fears of dying alone vanished. Sadly, it was all a massive lie and this wonderful, charming man turned out to be something from a horror film.
My loneliness makes me more vulnerable to abuse. My need for love and affection and human contact is actually quite harmful. Yes, people can chose not to be abusive but I also need to find a way to be happy on my own.
When I’m in this awful state of mind, it feels like everyone has someone to hug at night, to talk to about their day, to share the day with, eat meals with, have sex with, have someone who is on your side ……. I know that isn’t the case, just how I feel. My life is my kids and my house and that’s it. When they are asleep I just sit in the living room, I rarely bother to watch the TV these days. When my kids are at school I sleep and when they are off school, I just do my best to survive the day.
Now I’m in my mid thirties, I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that there is no special person out there for me. I will need to struggle on in life alone. No one’s going to hold my hand at night or offer to cook dinner because I’ve had a shite day. I say, I’m coming to terms with it …. That’s actually a complete lie. All it does is make me want to end it all. Life is too painful for me right now.
Experiencing domestic abuse has left me so wounded I’m not sure anyone could cope to live with me. I think my only option is to struggle on until the kids are grown up and then jump off a bridge or something. I can’t do this anymore, I really can’t. No amount of medication or counselling is going to remedy this. As a psychiatric nurse told me years ago, anti depressants won’t help you, it’s your life that’s getting you down. I’m worn out with fighting against it, I’ve had enough of the battle and I’m too impatient to wait for things to improve ( they haven’t improved for over 20 yrs so can’t see it changing anytime soon).
Sometimes when I write a post, I feel slightly lifted. You know, like you’ve off loaded a burden that’s been heavy on your shoulders. Not this time. Not this time.