Fucking Shitty Christmas

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Impossible to miss that it is almost Christmas …. Even if you’ve done your absolute best to ignore it.

I don’t want to be all ‘bah humbug’ about it. Christmas used to be the most wonderful time for me. Childhood memories of sleepless Christmas Eves, not wanting to eat breakfast and that general feeling of utter magic. I’ve been so blessed to have those memories.

In my teens, it dawned at me that Christmas wouldn’t always be like that. People grow up, people die, people move away …… You adjust to the new tradition and it’s special again. And then came 7 Christmases with my ex. They weren’t all awful but unfortunately I can only remember the bad (and even the good times were most likely to be false).

Spending weeks and weeks worrying about the increase in drinking, not being able to afford presents (or food), having to leave our home just before Christmas due to repossession…… And so much more. The joy of Christmas was slowly drained out of me until I saw it all as chore and something to stress about.

I keep Christmas going because of my children, I want them to have the memories that I have but I don’t think that they will. To be honest, the closer Christmas gets now, the more I feel like curling up in a ball and hiding. It’s an awful time of year and I get the impression that I am not alone so can we all stop pretending that we’re having a good time? Please?

I don’t really have the emotional strength to keep a smile on my face and be all bright and bubbly. I’ll do my best for my children and then spend the evening crying like I have done for a few years now.

I started writing this before my boyfriend decided to end things with me today. I can’t continue with this blog.

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