Happy New Year – Happy Anniversary

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Well, at approx 4.30pm on the 1st Jan 2014, I took an overdose of lorazepam. I’ve sort of been waiting for this day to come to say ‘hey, it’s been a whole year since I tried to kill myself!’ And now I don’t know what to write …..

I lost approx 14 hrs to being unconscious. I remember lying down in the ambulance and waking up on a ward on the morning of Jan 2nd. I was duly kicked out of my bed and put in a chair as someone else needed the bed …. I sat in that chair for hours and not one person checked up on me. I had a brief meeting with some MH people who told me I had to see my GP in two days time.

It was awful and lonely and desperate. I wished I hadn’t woken up as life was somehow more difficult now.

So, it’s been a year and it’s been a struggle ….. I’ve had some good times and I’ve had some pretty shitty times … I’m disappointed that my life is pretty much where I left it in the ambulance. It’s like I’ve come full circle, only this time I’m more in control of my MH and not feeling so distressed and suicidal.

I feel sad to be sat here on my own on NYE but I’ve done it before and got through it. There’s lots of us sat about, feeling slightly (or extremely) lost this evening.

I have to recognise that I have slipped back a bit, regressed a bit…. And I need to make sure that 2015 is the year that I start fighting back. I know New Years resolutions aren’t cool but here are a few of mine ….

Stay single!!!!!! That’s actually quite easy as I have no social life and there’s no queue of people waiting to date me. Haha

Love myself and be more positive about myself.

Try to do more stuff with my children – rage against the CFS! They deserve better.

Get creative … This is part of who I am and I constantly neglect it. We all need our hobbies.

Heal, heal, heal …….. And maybe take up yoga …..

Oh and world peace 😉

So I will see you all on the other side of the calendar ….
Have a good one
Love, tea and hugs
Exxx

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7 thoughts on “Happy New Year – Happy Anniversary

  1. Stay strong E. You and your kids deserve that. I won’t say Happy new year cos I too know how difficult it can feel to be unwillingly facing the prospect of yet another year to get through. But you will. And it WILL get better – but you have to allow it to. Wishing you better things for 2015. X❤️

  2. Hi Ekkie
    Glad to hear that you’ve got through some very tough times and are now seeing light at the end of the tunnel. Your goals seem realistic and achievable so that’s good. I wonder if you could consider some counselling for future relationships though as denying yourself closeness with others could have a negative impact on you. I hope you continue to experience positive change and growth in the right direction.
    Laura x

    • Thanks.
      Yes, I wanted to choose goals that weren’t so lofty, I’d never reach them 🙂
      Interesting about the counselling. I will mention it when I sort some sesssions out. I’ve just had enough of being hurt by people.
      Ex

      • If you have a history of being in abusive relationships, you could try counselling at a domestic abuse service (which is usually free of low cost) to work on how to form and maintain healthy relationships with non-abusive partners. Or, look into attending the Freedom Programme, which concentrates on this subject.

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