The ever changing tide

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I ebb and flow like the tide, I’m constantly changing with the phases of the moon. If only I could be stable and fixed like an ancient oak tree. Maybe then I would be happy as my feet would always know where they are.

Instead my mood fluctuates and flickers like a candle flame near a draft (no mentions of Elton John please, this is a serious post!). There’s seems to be little I can do to keep my self from dropping off the cliff and feeling that empty ache in my chest. Sometimes the tears will pour and pour and leave me exhausted, other times my eyes are dry and refuse to be moved.

The fleeting moments of joy, happiness, gladness at being alive are too short. They do not last long enough to sustain me through the day. I end up feeling so so low, like I do now. For those of you who think that I am bleating on, you are so blessed to not know how this feels.

Toying with thoughts of taking the pills that I have stockpiled and wondering when a time will come that I am able to have a life again. The thing is, I really don’t see an end to all of this crap. People tell me that this will be my year, a better year but I know that life is not so kind. It doesn’t give out good and bad in equal measure! You can have a torrent of endless disasters, be born into abject poverty and die in abject poverty. Life has no sense of justice.

Right now, I cannot cope with it all. My tide is out and I’m a like a floundering fish in the shallows. I can’t do this anymore, I don’t want to do this anymore. I know that I have to for my children.

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The Dating Game …. Part 9

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I think it is part 9 anyway……

Followers of my blog will know that I’m not the luckiest person when it comes to matters of the heart. I thought I’d write a few words about where I am right now! Haha.

Basically, I’m single and likely to be single forever. There are lots of reasons why I think this….my children take up pretty much all of my life, I have no social life, I’m not 21 and toned anymore…… *sigh* and also rather exhausted with the whole part process of dating.

You, happy, couples don’t know how lucky you are so piss off!

I’ve tried online dating and it’s full of men with no shirts on who are obsessed with the gym, men who just want you to send naked photos of yourself and men who are so far up their own arse that you will never be cool enough for them. Then there’s the women ….. As I’m bisexual, they tend to view me with suspicion and so I have given up.

In the general scheme of things, it’s really not that important. It’s not life or death…it would just be nice, one day, to meet someone who liked me and I liked them and they didn’t end up being an abusive shite *sigh* again. I really don’t wish to spend the rest of my life without a partner but I can’t see anyway to find a place in my life to fit one in, let alone meet someone.

So……I have to ignore my pangs of loneliness that I get (especially in the evening or when I’m having a bad day and it would be nice to have someone on my side) and just get on with my life. Not all of us can be loved up, not for all of us is there someone special to come home to.

I think that if I can come to terms with singledom then I may actually find the cure to a lot of my mental health issues! It really is that big a deal with me. It is going to be easy to stay single for the reasons outlined above but also for that fact that there isn’t a queue of people knocking on my door and begging for my attention haha.

Deep breaths ….. All is going to be ok. I can cope with living the single life and it isn’t going to be any less worth living just because I face it alone. I’m lucky to have family and friends in my life who love and care for me (and my cat!). I will learn to deal with the absence of hugs, kisses, sex, as well as the late night conversations and arguments over who needs to empty the bin. It’s just going to have to be fine being just me. Give me a bit time and I’ll get back to you and let you know how I’m getting on!!

Love, tea and hugs of the platonic type
Exxx