The ever changing tide

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I ebb and flow like the tide, I’m constantly changing with the phases of the moon. If only I could be stable and fixed like an ancient oak tree. Maybe then I would be happy as my feet would always know where they are.

Instead my mood fluctuates and flickers like a candle flame near a draft (no mentions of Elton John please, this is a serious post!). There’s seems to be little I can do to keep my self from dropping off the cliff and feeling that empty ache in my chest. Sometimes the tears will pour and pour and leave me exhausted, other times my eyes are dry and refuse to be moved.

The fleeting moments of joy, happiness, gladness at being alive are too short. They do not last long enough to sustain me through the day. I end up feeling so so low, like I do now. For those of you who think that I am bleating on, you are so blessed to not know how this feels.

Toying with thoughts of taking the pills that I have stockpiled and wondering when a time will come that I am able to have a life again. The thing is, I really don’t see an end to all of this crap. People tell me that this will be my year, a better year but I know that life is not so kind. It doesn’t give out good and bad in equal measure! You can have a torrent of endless disasters, be born into abject poverty and die in abject poverty. Life has no sense of justice.

Right now, I cannot cope with it all. My tide is out and I’m a like a floundering fish in the shallows. I can’t do this anymore, I don’t want to do this anymore. I know that I have to for my children.

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One thought on “The ever changing tide

  1. You can cope with this Ekkie and you are coping with it. You’ve done this before and you’ll do it again because you’ve got children and they need you. I hope that one day you will be able to do it for yourself too. I wonder if practising some acceptance might help you as you are battling against yourself and the way that you perceive yourself to be. Perhaps if you tried to value your difference and appreciate your special qualities that are unique it might help. I think happiness is very overrated and its lack can become a cause of unhappiness in itself. We have evolved to have a range of feelings and emotions appropriate to different situations and happiness is just one of many. Striving for some acceptance of all the other feelings that you have might help you not to focus on attaining just one of these which is bound to lead to disappointment .

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