New Years Resolutions 

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I know, I know New Years resolutions are as uncool as tinsel and the word uncool but l happen to like tinsel and using the 1st of Jan as an excuse to rethink my life. 
1. Rethink my body image. I’m now 9st and I’m still putting on weight. Having been plagued with an eating disorder since I was 9, this is new territory for me and I hate it. Every day I look in the mirror, I don’t recognise my body anymore. I worry that people who know me will see me and think ‘wow, she’s put on weight!’. I do need to rethink my diet but I also need to accept my new body shape. It’s not the end of the world, just the end of my ultra slimness. 

2. Get off my fucking phone. This should be easier than it sounds as my phone is old and the battery dies on me at 30%! I want to concentrate on my crochet and art.

3. I need to get my teeth into my Women Together project. I don’t think we’ll really feel the full impact of the cuts until the end of 2016 which is a scary thought as things are bad enough already. My goal for the year is to offer more practical help rather than tweets and FB posts. I have a lot of stuff to go on the website – which I’ve yet to find on a Google search! Also, some way of setting up a fund for helping women would be really great. 

4. Buffer zones for abortion clinics – I’ve been working on this for over a year now and I’ve not made a lot of progress. There are now two petitions out there in the ether – check out my blog posts for more info. Hoping that 2016 is a productive and protective year for it. 

5. Seeing my life as worthwhile and meaningful. I need to stop wishing away the days and try to enjoy the year with my children. It’s so easy to get bogged down in it all and to think that life will be better/easier when another milestone is reached. I’m very lucky to have three fab children who may be challenging but certainly not dull! 

6. Get out in the garden more. I moved into this house last spring and I’m looking forward to turning my garden into a little oasis of green for as little money as possible. It’s not a very big garden however, there’s plenty of space for some nice plants. 

7. Find a way to manage my ME/ CFS better hahahahaha!!! I can try. Either that or I need to win the lottery so that I can afford a cleaner and taxis…. Pacing your activity is nigh on impossible when you’re on your own with three kids. My family and boyfriend help when they can but I need to know I can do it all by myself. Perhaps it’s my pride, I just want to feel like I’m making a fair contribution to the life I have and the lives that I created. 

8. And finally …. Not really a resolution….this is the second year anniversary of my suicide attempt – New Year’s Day 2014. It doesn’t feel as poignant as last year, there’s a sense that I’ve moved on a lot since then. I’m glad that I am still here, still alive and experiencing life from the Sun’s heat on my face to the cuddles at bedtime with my children. I could have been two years dead and life would have been so very different for my children, different in a bad and dark way. Whilst I’ll never be the life and soul of the party, I hope with every atom of my body that I will never feel that desperate again. 

So there you have it. That’s my list for 2016, I’m sure I’ll think of more to add. In the general scheme of the relentless march of time, a new year doesn’t really mean a lot but I see it as a chance to try again and put my failures behind me. Maybe give it a go and be uncool too! 
Love and hugs and all the best for 2016. May it be full of tea and crochet if that floats your boat.

Exxx 

PS one more …. Get my poems published in my own book …. 

Christmas Poem 

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Time to brush the dust off my Christmas poem – three years old now! 
Christmas in the UK
It’s mild, wet and windy

No snow on the ground 

The kids are running riot

And the Christmas tree’s turned brown 

The Silver Band are tipsy 

As they play carols on the street

No one wants breakfast

They’re all full of sweets! 

Turkey in the oven

But I’m having nut roast

I need special gravy

Such a pain for the host

Presents are opened and everyone’s full

Time to relax now and and watch Dr Who

 Children in bed now, the clocks ticks past two 

Another Christmas is over, another Christmas is through. 

Exxx 

And so it is Christmas … (CW) 

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Christmas is an odd time of year. I was very lucky to have

l
  

lovely family Christmases when I was growing up. The excitement of the wait, the decorations, the tree, the ever increasing open doors on the advent calendar… Even when my mum had to work a couple of times, she still managed to make Christmas for us later in the day.
Fast forward quite a few years and then there was Christmas as a young, single parent. That was when the shine started to go out of the tinsel. I loved the couple of days I stayed with family but then it was back home to a house that was difficult to keep warm and that darkness you can only get from feeling like everyone is all jolly.
Don’t even go there with New Year’s Day! Many, many years of going to bed early only to be woken by WWIII in the form of fireworks. Then there was 2014…. 
Anyway, Christmas had become an odd mixture of joy and sadness. I think that is the way of things as you get older, more loved ones not being there anymore – some move away and some have died. Then I met my ex husband and everything seemed to sparkle again. 
After only two months of dating, he proposed on Christmas Day in front of my family. I was so happy, I was also so relieved to leave the stigma of single parenthood behind. With my sparkly diamond on my ring finger, I felt like I could take on the world.
This lovely cloud floated around for a while. I’m not sure when the rot set in but when we were married in the Spring, I wasn’t as happy as I should have been. Christmassy became a time of worry and stress. 
There was the worry over money for presents, the extreme worry over how much he would drink (and that was a lot), the stress of trying to keep up a happy front. This became increasingly hard as family fell out with him and didn’t want him there. I was emotionally torn apart. I now dreaded the start of Autumn when Christmas loomed large wherever I went.
Arguments over how much alcohol he had bought and how most of it had gone before Christmas Day still linger on in my mind. Needless to say, he had to buy more. The time he threw away youngest’s Christmas dinner that I had just put in the blender – she was 8 months old. I told him off and he reduced me to tears. I served our Boxing Day Christmas meal with teary eyes to a silent and miserable table. 
I’m doing my best to enjoy Christmas this year. There are triggers and memories with each tradition that I have to face but I am determined that my children will have a happy Christmas. 
It breaks my heart when I think of all the women out there right now who are dreading Christmas. To those women who might not be alive to see the new year in or who spend Christmas keeping the tears from flowing like a never ending river….I am with you and I believe you. I’m holding your hand and feeling your pain, your fear. He will use Christmas as an excuse to be extra vile and abusive. 
There are helplines out there, people out there who care and want you to be safe. I won’t think any less of you if you can’t make that break this Christmas or any Christmas. Please know that there can be joy and light again though. I hope you will find a way to leave one day and what ever day of the year that happens to be – may it feel like the best Christmas you’ve ever had. 
Much love 

Exxx 

 

Happy New Year – Happy Anniversary

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Well, at approx 4.30pm on the 1st Jan 2014, I took an overdose of lorazepam. I’ve sort of been waiting for this day to come to say ‘hey, it’s been a whole year since I tried to kill myself!’ And now I don’t know what to write …..

I lost approx 14 hrs to being unconscious. I remember lying down in the ambulance and waking up on a ward on the morning of Jan 2nd. I was duly kicked out of my bed and put in a chair as someone else needed the bed …. I sat in that chair for hours and not one person checked up on me. I had a brief meeting with some MH people who told me I had to see my GP in two days time.

It was awful and lonely and desperate. I wished I hadn’t woken up as life was somehow more difficult now.

So, it’s been a year and it’s been a struggle ….. I’ve had some good times and I’ve had some pretty shitty times … I’m disappointed that my life is pretty much where I left it in the ambulance. It’s like I’ve come full circle, only this time I’m more in control of my MH and not feeling so distressed and suicidal.

I feel sad to be sat here on my own on NYE but I’ve done it before and got through it. There’s lots of us sat about, feeling slightly (or extremely) lost this evening.

I have to recognise that I have slipped back a bit, regressed a bit…. And I need to make sure that 2015 is the year that I start fighting back. I know New Years resolutions aren’t cool but here are a few of mine ….

Stay single!!!!!! That’s actually quite easy as I have no social life and there’s no queue of people waiting to date me. Haha

Love myself and be more positive about myself.

Try to do more stuff with my children – rage against the CFS! They deserve better.

Get creative … This is part of who I am and I constantly neglect it. We all need our hobbies.

Heal, heal, heal …….. And maybe take up yoga …..

Oh and world peace 😉

So I will see you all on the other side of the calendar ….
Have a good one
Love, tea and hugs
Exxx

My Christmas Message to You

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Ok …. My second attempt at writing about Christmas ….. Last time it was thwarted by a man but I’m not going to use this post to tell you what an utter arsehole he is … No, I’m better than that.

This is my Christmas message to those who aren’t having such a wonderful time right now.

Christmas and New Year’s are one of the worst times of the year. Let’s face it, it is the time of year when you are reminded of everything that is wrong about your life. Why else do New Year’s resolution exist?! To make us feel we are not good enough and we need to change.

Change isn’t necessarily a bad thing, doing something that improves your physical or mental health is actually a pretty good thing. Anyway, I’m getting distracted already!

Whilst we all know that everyone isn’t having a jolly old time, it doesn’t take away how low we might be feeling. If, like me, you suffer from depression (and ptsd and Mecfs) there’s no logic involved in why you feel so so low. When you hear of other’s grief or suffering it just compounds the feelings of despair. Please don’t lose your compassion though.

You may not even be alone for Christmas. I have my children and my cat with me. I’m doing all that I can to focus on that fact and yet I have this awful burning in my chest. Us depressed people are an awkward bunch; we feel sad at being alone, we feel alone when we’re not and sometimes we just want to be alone. Right now, I’m sat with my children and desperately want to curl up into a ball and hide for about three months.

How do we endure it? By remembering that we are ok and life changes. There may be people out there having a wonderful time and feeling all loved up and cosy … It’s not their fault. Clichés aplenty I’m afraid but we can’t give up on hope.

Try not to fight Christmas, it’s here and soon it will be gone. Maybe next year will be better, maybe it won’t however, hope will always be there. Cling on to that if you have nothing else to hold on to. Cling on to those who are near you even if you’d rather push them all away and if you don’t have anyone then reach out to those who don’t have anyone either ….. If all of that is too much then find a safe place and just be.

So here it is …..

My Christmas message to you is to hold on to hope. Yep, simple and as complicated as that.

Love, tea and hugs
Exxx

And here is rather awful poem I wrote a few years ago ….

Christmas in the UK

It’s mild, wet and windy
No snow on the ground
The kids are running riot
And the Christmas tree’s turned brown
The Silver Band are tipsy
As they play carols on the street
No one wants breakfast
They’re all full of sweets!
Turkey in the oven
But I’m having nut roast
I need special gravy
Such a pain for the host
Presents are opened and everyone’s full
Time to relax now and and watch Dr Who
Children in bed now, the clocks ticks past two
Another Christmas is over, another Christmas is through.

2012