On the Edge of Poverty 


Today was one of this days when I knew where my place in society is and that place is somewhere near the bottom. You know, the scummy bit where the sediment is. 
I have some jewellery that I have no attachment to, in fact, I want to be rid of it ASAP. I’ve held on to it, waiting for a reason to sell it. 
When my son was younger, my abusive ex used a trip to Legoland as you would use a carrot on a string to get a donkey to move. My son hadn’t been diagnosed with ASD at this point so his behaviour was seen by my ex as belligerence. If my son jumped through millions of unattainable hoops, he would get to go to his beloved Legoland. On one occasion, he said he could go only to change his mind and bought him some Lego instead.
It’s been a karma thing for me to sort this out. Someone lent me the money to pay for a trip to legoland – even though my son said it’s too late now, I know he’ll enjoy it. I said I could pay for it by selling my jewellery. The kick in the teeth came when the local jeweller wasn’t interested in any of it and the pawnbroker offered me £111. My diamond ring retails at £950 brand new!! She also told me that my diamond certificate was wrong and the diamond was smaller and therefore less valuable. 
I declined her offer and she gave me a leaflet and a mint about taking out a loan. Once I had left the shop, it was like my whole life slid out of view. I felt sub human. All this emotion bubbled up and I cried and cried. 
It wasn’t about legoland anymore, it was about my whole life and my children’s lives. They suffer as I am not well enough to work and they have shitty dads who I would rather didn’t exist. 
I’ve noticed that food shopping is costing more and my money isn’t going as far as it used to. My benefits have been frozen so I won’t have a cushion against any rise in inflation. At some point, I will lose several hundred a month in the benefit cap. Everything is crumbling around me and I’m not sure how long I can keep going.
I don’t know how I’m going to pay for my children’s uniforms and shoes in Sept, let alone when/if they go to Uni. How will my lack of ability to earn affect their futures? There will be no bank of mum to bail them out or treat them to a nice day out. 
I feel utterly heartbroken. My children’s future could be written off due to their feckless mother. 
This year is going to be a huge challenge. I need to find ways to cut my spending. I don’t smoke, drink alcohol, have a social life …. Time to look at my food budget and not use the bus anymore. 
Spring may well be in full flow but our winter is coming.