#crochetmoodblanket2014

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My year in a blanket …..

It’s not quite a year as I didn’t start it in January. Someone on Twitter gave me the idea of the #crochetmoodblanket2014 and I’ve thought it was a lovely, creative form of therapy.

I was at home, recovering from my suicide attempt and ongoing panic attacks and anxiety …. Crocheting a square a day became my little meditation for the day. A moment for me to make a square and let thoughts drift in and out without giving them too much of my time and emotional energy.

My one rule was that I would not use black! I think the reasons are obvious….. The whole blanket could end up being black! By the very nature of the blanket taking me this long to complete – there’s the blackness, the dark days. There have been many reasons why I haven’t managed to crochet a square a day:

Too sad
Too ill
Too anxious
Too heartbroken
Too busy
Too bored
Too unmotivated etc

The blanket will take me another few months but this doesn’t bother me. It will still show the journey of one of the toughest years of my life.

As for the colours… I don’t have a limitless budget to spend on yarn, such is life! 🙂 This means that I have had to repeat colours to build up a decent sized blanket. Having said that, all the colours that are in the blanket have been chosen because I’ve been drawn to them in some way.

Blues – the sky, the sea, Springtime, Summertime, cold days, low days, dark days

Green – Springtime, foliage, off colour days, meh days, countryside

Purples – International Women’s Day, domestic abuse, spiritual moments

Yellows – Springtime, beach sand, flowers, sunshine, happiness

Oranges – heat, hot days, energetic moments, Halloween, Autumn

Browns – Autumn, dead leaves, mud, dull days, crap days

Red – angry days, roses, Notting Hill, heartbreak, blood

Pink – love, happiness, joy, summer flowers, blossom, perfume

Whites – pale days, off days, nondescript moments, meh, loss, washed out

Some yarns are mixed and some have glitter …. Just chosen because I like them 🙂

The border and joining yarn will be cream. With all these colours, it needed to be balanced with something pretty neutral!

I really do look forward to the day that I finish this blanket and can focus on other crochet projects! I hope this blanket will be in my family for a long time and even outlive me – becoming a memory blanket of a year of my life.

Love, tea, hugs and yarn
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My crochet Part 1

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Just thought I’d share some of my crochet with you. I’m no expert or artisan. I do it because I enjoy the creative experience – you may be able to buy ready made stuff cheaper (and better made!) but that’s not the point.

The process of turning a strand of yarn into a blanket, a toy, a bag, is truly magical. I cherish this skill. There are many things in life that I can’t do but this is something that I can hold to my heart and be proud of.

I can tell you now that when people use the #crochettherapy … They really mean it. Doing crochet is an act of mindfulness, a bit like going climbing, you are in the moment and you have to concentrate on what you are doing. Crochet gives me a brief respite from all the shite that bubbles around in my brain.

Love, tea, hugs and many balls of yarn
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A Meditation on being dead

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Yeah, I know, I meant to be having a break but just wrote this and am impatient so ….

What I would miss if I were no longer here …. A meditation on not being dead

I was interrupted by a phone call whilst composing this blog in my head. It may not have the impact or convey the message I wanted to make now ….. One of the draw backs of modern living I guess?

This isn’t meant to be a poem or even prose. Any rhyming or rhythm is purely accidental. It’s more a stream of my consciousness whilst lying outside, desperately trying to ward off my anxiety – just been interrupted by another two phone calls …. Ffs

Ok, here goes…phone on silent …..

We all die, what happens after we die is not the question I’m tackling here. It’s more a mental journey of earthy things that are lost forever once we are gone and can no longer experience them.

I will miss:

Watching my children grow and learn and not being able to be there for them when they need me, when life has let them down and only their mummy will do.

My friends and family. Sharing a pot of tea and a cake and a good gossip about everything and nothing. To be a shoulder to cry on and have a shoulder to cry on. The healing nature of a heartfelt hug.

The way nature fills my senses. The feel of a cool breeze on my face, the icy cold of the sea water on my toes. The smell of damp earth that you get on a summer’s day when it’s been dry for ages and suddenly rains, large drops that ricochet off the pavement. A bird flying off a chimney pot or a squirrel running across the grass with it’s tail arched and bristling. Hearing the wind rushing through autumnal leaves or the mew of a kitten to it’s mother.

The taste of food and drink. The bitter, the sweet, the sour and the salty. Sometimes bland and sometimes over overpowering.

Love. The agony and the ecstasy of human relationships. Those intimate moments where it feels like we’re the only two people in existence. To get lost in their eyes and forget your own name. The feel of their skin on your skin, their mouth, their limbs, to be physically one if only for a short time.

To experience culture, soak myself in works of art or walls of sound. To be brought to tears by a book or a film. The laughter I get when a comedian touches on something I perfectly relate to. A well read poem on the radio, a battered postcard of a favourite painting. Not forgetting the creating, to be blessed with hands and feet and eyes so that I can crochet, sketch, paint or play an instrument really badly.

To walk down a street, any street and just live in that moment. See cars passing and builders working. People rushing past and you know nothing of their lives and how their day is going. Look up and watch the airlines flying hundreds of people to another country and wondering what they are talking about, how they are feeling when they step out of the airport and into new air.

The feel of clothes on my body. How sometimes I need soft, comforting clothes to snuggle into and forget the world and other times something more close fitting and daring to make me feel edgy and sexual. But mostly I wear clothes that just get me by in life without feeling like I’ve totally given up on myself.

The warmth of the Sun. Being a redhead I burn in the sun and suffer heat stroke at the slightest rise in temperature BUT …… The Sun makes everything seem better, colours are brighter, people smile more, my house feels more alive, my body feels warmer and more motivated to move and be productive. As beautiful as snow is, and it’s ability to cover up the crap us humans spew everywhere, it’s coldness becomes a chore so much quicker than a hot spell from the Sun. Which makes me think of the seasons and how they will carry on without me. How I long for Spring every year, to see the hawthorn hedges sprinkled with the freshest green on nature’s palate. Knowing that the winter is over – such a feeling for me. A relief.

And that is the thing, the crux of all of this. Life will go on without me. I am not a celebrity of any kind, no one will really note my passing but for a few individuals I shared my time with. Time will keep ticking. On the day that I die, people will go to work like they do, go on holiday, eat, shit and have sex. Cars and vans will be driven, post will land on doormats ….. All those little things that go unnoticed and I will no longer be a part of that cycle. And when I am merely dust, the earth will claim me and I will step onto the conveyer belt that will turn my ashes to rock. I always knew there was a reason why I’m so fascinated by rocks because they are the very essence of life and death all rolled up into something most people wouldn’t think twice about. Maybe being dead’s not so bad after all. I will live, like we all will, through the Earth that we walked on and one day become a part of the Universe that set the stage for my brief existence …..

Love to you all
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